Crazytown

I have three “new” dresses coming my way. They are “new” because they were all free from swaps or hand me downs but I never wore them because they were all too big or not quite right. Ha! no more. I have the totally genius Elsie fixing them for me. Taking them in and adding darts and changing necklines and sleeve lengths etc. All things I am totally incapable of doing. Before you get excited thinking you will head right over with a pile of things for her to fix, I had to get through the old SB security and ply her with wine. I may have pretended to faint. I am not above that sort of thing. I also should have some locally grown flour coming my way. From these guys. This, also from Elsie. Good woman to know. Also, I have a call out to the local nuns to find out how and when I can get some of their locally made Gouda. This is extra exciting to me since we have quite a few sheep’s milk and goat’s milk cheeses available, many at a billion dollars a pound, but not many versatile, sorta cheap options. Of course, last night I was so lazy I ate cheese and bread for dinner instead of making something out of the deliscious things rotting in the fridge. Ya win some, ya lose some.

I went to the market this morning to pick up my CSA veggies. Had a nice little chat, grabbed the goods and got hell out. That place is a zoo by 9:30. The haul was pretty good. Kale, cukes, squash, scallions, lettuce, beets, radish etc. I think my landlord is finally going to fix my aged oven so it will light without me having to stick my head in it. This could open up a whole new world!

Critter news: Stank and I took part in one of my favorite activities last evening (get yer mind outta the gutter). Skunk watching! I have a little buddy or two that come around in the evenings to check out the trash and recycling. I have seen an albino before but this was the regular stripey kind, though it didn’t look very old. Pretty darn cute till he figured he was being stared at and headed on down the road. I also have a cheeky squirrel who is trying to move into my porch. The other day I surprised him by coming home and he had to take a flying leap. Also, I had some kind of bee coming in to my bathroom to die. En Masse. I don’t consider it a good omen but it seems to have tapered off so…. but best of all! Starrhillgirl has two new kittens! We took a nice drive through the country last week to look in on Stanks kitty and headed out to Tex’s to fawn over the kittens. In a shocking turn of events (not really) she adopted them both on the spot and they rode home in a box on my lap. So fuzzy.

Whew. The Kingpin and IC spent the last week in New Mexico visiting family. I just got a call from the IC letting me know they are on their way home. They are on a shuttle bus.

xo,

LB

There are times, few and far between, when I feel like I am witnessing the dawning of a new word. It’s baby, wobbly steps from fringe to foreground. I don’t mean words like, “cool” or “rad”, I mean word, words. Is it just me? Have people always said that? Is it new?

Gifted…….

When did “gifted” take the place of give and given when describing a present? Why does it bug me so much? It’s the new “you know you’re a (blank) when…….

You know you’re a locavore when you start saying “gifted”.

You know you’re a water saver when you start saying “gifted”.

xo,

LB

So, I thought I should break the silence. We have been going through a transition at Crazytown. Here is the deal. I have finally moved into my own place. I have graduated to the world of big girls! KP and IC are still at the old house making strides getting it ready for sale. So, we have fractured Crazytown. It is a sad/exciting turn of events. However, it has given me the chance to reflect on my definition on Crazytown. I now know, in much the same way good Christian’s know God is everywhere, that Crazytown is not the place. Crazytown is a state of mind, a faith. Crazytown is in you. Crazytown is at my place, at KP’s place and Starrhillgirl’s place. Are you a resident of Crazytown Ms.’s Fatbiscuit, Wistar, Elsie, Cho girl? You don’t have to go to church to talk to God(if yer into that) and you don’t have to go to Crazytown. You can carry Crazytown in your heart. Jeeze, that is so poetic. Others things:

#1 I am way excited about my CSA starting.

#2 I made my little apartment look so cute/cozy.

#3 you should come have a drink on my porch

#4 I over slept for work this morning and I was supposed to open the store, oops!

By Starrhillgirl who IS the boss of me. I have to write an opening paragraph of the novel version of my life starting with last night.

She sits perched on the edge of a low slung leather couch. Around her, the other musicians and singers chat, waiting to begin the night. They have gathered for a benefit show and are clustered back stage. Some are eating, when it is free musicians always eat, others sip wine and bottled water. Over the dull roar of the well heeled crowd, you can just about hear the sweet sounds of the first performer. She barely stands a chance. The crowd is full of parents whose children attend the school that will benefit from the music tonight. They seem eager to squeeze the most out of their night. Quiet listening is not on their minds as they giggle and chatter through their first few drinks. The air is dark and cool backstage. The door to the alley is open and covered with a thick black curtain. At irregular intervals the warm air and bright light outside sneaks in at the bottom corner. She shifts her weight from one cowboy boot to the other getting more restless as her turn on stage draws near. As the other singers drink water and spray their throats, she makes her way to the door, briefly flooding the room with light she steps into the alley for a cigarette.

Now I get to tag someone so I tag Wistar and KP.

xo,

LB

Inspired by the LB’s habit of asking provocative questions… I’d like to know what’s lurking in and around your nightstand? I’ll go first:

On top: Mother Courage and Her Children script, piles of books (The Last Days of Ancient Sunlight, A People’s History of the United States, A Mother’s Guide to Raising Healthy Children Naturally, A Philosophical Discourse by Jurgen Habermas, Walking on Water, End Game volumes 1 & 2 by Derrick Jensen, a couple of Kenneth Koch poetry books), magazines (4 New Yorkers, a USAA newsletter, a kids National Geo), tissues (bad seasonal allergies). In the drawer: a b&w photo of deceased husband. Clearly I need to clear off the nightstand.

The Ladies of Crazytown will be eating Veggies from these lovely people!

So,

What about you? Are you gonna:
A) Buy your Produce at the farmers market, it’s a great way to use your wicker shopping basket and floppy sun hat.

B) Join a local CSA and hope it makes you as cool as the Crazytown kids……..fat chance!

C) Shop at the mega market, fuck a bunch a hippies.

D) Grow your own vegetables and make your own beauty and skin care products, because a life without homemade flax seed lube is no life at all?

Seriously, I want to know what you people are planning and will it result in a meal or two for me? Are you going to eat local?

XO,

LB.

P.S. Why is there no local eat local website, anyone?

P.P.S. I think homemade lube is hot.

I have a friend named “Jedidiah”. We work together at a terribly posh wine shop. Today, “Jedidiah” expressed mild concern that perhaps not enough people were blogging about him. Because he is my friend, and because our friendship never involves name calling, violence, or soul withering insults, I am here to put things right. I want to increase his presence in the blogoshere. So I have prepared a brief tutorial on how to be more like my wonderful friend.

#1 Learn the definitions of cravat and ascot, and the appropriate occasion to wear each.

#2 Be more than a little embarrassed about your inherent liberalism and try to cover it up with an extremely conservative appearance and a fondness for rich people.

#3 If you do not already own a pair of driving mocs (WTF?!) run, do not walk, to get a pair.

#4 Be a writer. Be a good writer, but one without the good sense to listen to all my ideas and immediately turn them into articles for The New Yorker. I think this has something to do with not wanting to ride my coat tails but, whatever.

#5 Do not under ANY circumstances express anything that even sounds like spirituality. Ever. Never.

#6 Tell people around you how neurotic and crazy they are but follow these declarations closely with your own swirling, black and despairing moods.

#7 You should be able to enjoy a good cookie.

#8 Cultivate the ability to notice when the women around are having a good hair day and/or have on a cute jacket or pair of shoes.

#9 Have a jacket fetish.

#10 Be intelligent and well read but find it difficult to decide what to have for dinner.

I hope this helps you all on your path to being “Jedidiah”!

Love,

LB

I am having ongoing turmoil with Embarq, our preposterously named local telephone company. Crazy charges have been showing up on my bill. Hundreds of dollars in long distance. It’s a saga that would take years to explain in writing. Today, I will give you a glimpse into the business processes that make Embarq the well oiled trainwreck it is. Since I’ve had such difficulty getting someone to help me when I call the company on the telephone, I decided to try their online “Live Person” customer service agent chat program. I present to you the transcript. While you’re reading, I’ll be over in the corner slitting my wrists.

KP
Hi. I want to send you a letter detailing my recent troubles with Embarq & Sprint. Can you please give me an address?

System
David C has joined this session!

System
Connected with David C

System
Welcome to Embarq! I will be glad to assist you today. Please give me a moment while I pull up your account.

David C
Welcome To Embarq, the reliable choice for all of your communication needs. My name is David and I will be more than happy to assist you today.

David C
I will send you a link to our web page where you can view the address.

KP
I’m on your web page on the “Contact Us - Residential” page and there is no physical address listed.

David C
David C pushes page, http://about.embarq.com/headlines/container.html

KP
I don’t see an address on that page. All I see is “Media Coverage” and some links.

David C
You’re very welcome. Is there anything else that I can assist you with today?

KP
I didn’t say thank you. Did you read what I just said? There’s no address!

David C
Thank you for contacting Embarq and have a great day. If you require further assistance, Embarq chat agents are available 8am to 8pm Eastern time Monday through Friday and 11am to 8pm Eastern time on Saturdays.

System
David C has left this session!

System
The session has ended!

This happened today:

IC: Mommy, I want a frisbee.

KP: Why do you want a frisbee?

IC: I want to frizz.

At approximately the same time as LB was hosting a cross-burning in my front yard, the IC and I were eating at a local noodle shop. We were immediately joined by another solo mom and her two young girls. There was a lot of staring and observing betwixt the IC and the other girls and soon the little ones were talking about each other in front of each other, you know the way they do. Our dinner-mates asked their mom, “Where’s Daddy?” She said, “At work.” They said, “Where’s that little girl’s daddy?” I gulped… Uh oh here we go. Then the mom says, “He’s probably at another work, but not your daddy’s work place.” So the curious girls turn to the IC and say, “Where’s your daddy?”

The IC says completely matter-of-factly, “My daddy’s dead. He took too much pills.”

Bagonk. That’s the sound of the jukebox dramatically stopping.

There’s just no way to describe the pall that fell over the sesame noodles and dumplings. I mean, what do you say? Do I jump in and explain that he wasn’t a drug addict, that he was very sick and frail and a slight and accidental increase in his dosage of painkillers caused his body to shut down? No, of course not. I sat there staring at my oily styrofoam container until the mom said to her daughter, “Now’s when you say, ‘I’m sorry,” which I appreciated. That poor woman! I bet she’s wishing she’d never sat down next to us.