Archive for February, 2008

How to be “Jedidiah” (Name changed to protect me, not the innocent)

I have a friend named “Jedidiah”. We work together at a terribly posh wine shop. Today, “Jedidiah” expressed mild concern that perhaps not enough people were blogging about him. Because he is my friend, and because our friendship never involves name calling, violence, or soul withering insults, I am here to put things right. I want to increase his presence in the blogoshere. So I have prepared a brief tutorial on how to be more like my wonderful friend.

#1 Learn the definitions of cravat and ascot, and the appropriate occasion to wear each.

#2 Be more than a little embarrassed about your inherent liberalism and try to cover it up with an extremely conservative appearance and a fondness for rich people.

#3 If you do not already own a pair of driving mocs (WTF?!) run, do not walk, to get a pair.

#4 Be a writer. Be a good writer, but one without the good sense to listen to all my ideas and immediately turn them into articles for The New Yorker. I think this has something to do with not wanting to ride my coat tails but, whatever.

#5 Do not under ANY circumstances express anything that even sounds like spirituality. Ever. Never.

#6 Tell people around you how neurotic and crazy they are but follow these declarations closely with your own swirling, black and despairing moods.

#7 You should be able to enjoy a good cookie.

#8 Cultivate the ability to notice when the women around are having a good hair day and/or have on a cute jacket or pair of shoes.

#9 Have a jacket fetish.

#10 Be intelligent and well read but find it difficult to decide what to have for dinner.

I hope this helps you all on your path to being “Jedidiah”!

Love,

LB

Embarq Chat, Baby, Why You Gotta Do Me Like That?

I am having ongoing turmoil with Embarq, our preposterously named local telephone company. Crazy charges have been showing up on my bill. Hundreds of dollars in long distance. It’s a saga that would take years to explain in writing. Today, I will give you a glimpse into the business processes that make Embarq the well oiled trainwreck it is. Since I’ve had such difficulty getting someone to help me when I call the company on the telephone, I decided to try their online “Live Person” customer service agent chat program. I present to you the transcript. While you’re reading, I’ll be over in the corner slitting my wrists.

KP
Hi. I want to send you a letter detailing my recent troubles with Embarq & Sprint. Can you please give me an address?

System
David C has joined this session!

System
Connected with David C

System
Welcome to Embarq! I will be glad to assist you today. Please give me a moment while I pull up your account.

David C
Welcome To Embarq, the reliable choice for all of your communication needs. My name is David and I will be more than happy to assist you today.

David C
I will send you a link to our web page where you can view the address.

KP
I’m on your web page on the “Contact Us – Residential” page and there is no physical address listed.

David C
David C pushes page, http://about.embarq.com/headlines/container.html

KP
I don’t see an address on that page. All I see is “Media Coverage” and some links.

David C
You’re very welcome. Is there anything else that I can assist you with today?

KP
I didn’t say thank you. Did you read what I just said? There’s no address!

David C
Thank you for contacting Embarq and have a great day. If you require further assistance, Embarq chat agents are available 8am to 8pm Eastern time Monday through Friday and 11am to 8pm Eastern time on Saturdays.

System
David C has left this session!

System
The session has ended!

Tidbit speaks

This happened today:

IC: Mommy, I want a frisbee.

KP: Why do you want a frisbee?

IC: I want to frizz.