Better’n a Finger In Your Eye
Somehow the IC who had the wherewithal to ask me to describe honor and metaphor thinks that inserting “poop” and “pee” every third word is the wittiest, most incisive way to respond to every question. Sample conversation:
-What did you do in school today, honey?
-My poop work. [Can you tell she's a Montessori kid?]
-What else?
-I pooped.
-Okay, but who was at school today with you?
-Poopie pee pee and poop the pooper.
Crap. How do I make it stop. Shit.
I have to say the single most annoying thing about snow is all the people complaining about it. Same as Christmas eh?
In particular, why do people feel the need to mock the milk buying, so called horrible driving and so called hysteria.
I don’t usually notice a lot of hysteria. I know that your friends/relatives from Buffalo/North Dakota/Antarctica would laugh at what we think of as snow. I don’t care. I don’t think it is even worth mentioning. Do you, really?
Lots of this type of talk on the local gossip website. Think of the sledding and drinking and curling up those people could have been doing with that time!
Just sayin…
The IC has worn the same red velvet, pearl festooned, peter-pan-collared frock for 10 days. Will Kristmas ever end? Is this dress even Kleanable anymore?
Well folks,
I think if we are going to get to look at a new post around here, I’m gonna have to post it.
First, I will follow the last post with the final word on my “modeling” job. That week of hour long “blow outs” and enough makeup to make a drag queen squirm has resulted in today’s reveal. If you are a totalfriggin genius you may know my other identity, in which case you will be able to see me in all my faux warmth glory. Today. I appear in an insert in the local weekly paper. Look how happy! Look how sincere! So, would you spend your money on any of that stuff?
Also this week, the KP an IC head out of town for Thnxgiving. I will be holding down the fort here at Crazytown. I have just received an invite to someones dinner. I will have to turn it down. I have a bath planned. Girls gotta bathe.
Saturday:
So, as you may have noticed the KP isn’t doing any “blogging”. I am having to pick up her slack and post again so that you will have something to stare at while you wiggle the saliva in your mouth around with the tip of your tongue.
You’re welcome.
I have used almost every category we have so I can wander aimlessly as I “write”. It is the last day of my work week and a good time to reflect because I try hard not to work on this day.
First, can someone explain something to me? I am wondering what is the appeal of, during a transaction of money for product, arranging the precise amount of money and coins you give the cashier so that you receive an nice round number back? Some people go to extreme lengths to make it so they receive no coins back from me at the register. Even if it means giving me a huge excess of money for what they are buying. Now, I’m not gonna judge (yes I am) I just want to know, is it worth it? Anyone out engage in this behavior? Do you feel fulfilled?
Sunday:
I managed to get out of work early on Saturday so that I could go to the Vintage Apple Festival. Our good friend Stank Williams was gonna be playing music with his band and there was Virginia country fun to be had. It was driving me crazy that I was not going to get to go since my Sister was going with my nephew, my mother, Stank’s family, the KP with IC, our friend Starrhillgirl. and many other friends. A last minute miracle (over staffing) occurred and I was good to go! So I crammed in a tiny fuel efficient vehicle with my family, Tay at the helm, and we headed south of town.
I was so glad I could make it. The day was beautiful. All my friend’s funny little kids are beautiful. Starrhillgirl looked beautiful in her modified T-shirt. The music was great. It was good clean Virginia fun. I really like where I live. I’m with Starrhillgirl on how pretty and fabulous it is around here. Even though we are lousy with republicans. My family took a hay ride. They reported it was a little scary and a lot of fun. The old folks sang along to Stank’s music, while wearing their John Deere hats. There were animals to pet and kiddy games to play and things to buy. Pickles, cider, apples, honey, plants, baskets etc.
We are all still sick in this house. Currently the KP and I are on two different computers. One up, one down. We are “IM-ing” one another so as not to have to get up. The Insolent child went off to the the safari park with Wistar and Darren. It is a weird place that doesn’t seem like it should be legal. I’ll let Wistar tell you all about that. I am fixin to have some coffee with the family before they hit the road back to NOVA. I might wash my bathmat. That is Sunday for ya.
Things I thought but Didn’t say out loud today at work:
Oh God, not you.
You drink too much, I can tell by your nose.
I was hoping you would GET OUT OF MY WAY!
Family Visits. Birthday Psychosis. New Baby Birthing. Jet Set to New York.
Over the weekend the insolent child turned 3. All the Grandparents arrived to whip her into a frenzy of glee and over-stimulation. A dash of brat was thrown in for good measure. Really though, how could a kid avoid it? She was positively drunk with power . All that love! All that pride! All those high-pitched lovey voices! Finally the plan was complete!
O.K. it wasn’t that bad. She is a perfectly charming tyrant. We cranked it into high gear on the day by having a party with 8 million guests and their squirmy weird little offspring. This ,of course, was the Kingpin’s doing, though she likes to say it is Wistar’s fault. So committing what most people would consider a suicidal act, we headed to a public park to host an frighteningly well attended 3 year old’s party. We loaded up Tables and Blankets and paints and face paints and drinks and snacks and pumpkins(?!) and paper and chairs and enough cake to wreak havoc on the homes of most of the town’s Montessori mummies. The cake, F yer I, was chocolate,vanilla and cherry with a Halloween scene. KP received explicit instructions from the insolent child on that front. It was a beautiful day. They laughed, they cried, they played in the water like tiny well heeled river nymphs. Some got hurt. Most painted something or someone. The IC announced it was “her day”. They kissed etc. etc. Really, tres cute! Stank helped me serenade the IC, much to her dismay. Then we all got sugar headaches and went home………. well that is what we should have done. Instead, we went to the grand unit’s new pied a terre to open all the presents. It was a frenzy of technicolour pressie delights. Each one being ripped open the second the last hit the floor. None more delightful than the brand new pink ballet outfit complete with tutu. After we managed to eat, we dragged IC out the door and home. After a quick story, one REALLY pathetic bedtime song, I collapsed on the floor. The IC had several more minutes worth of energy before finally giving in. After a brief overview of life and all it’s lessons, KP and I abandoned Grandma KP and hit the road over the mountain to watch Stank play music. In the very same town where we were rockin’ out, our friend was busy trying to get a baby born. As it turns out, a tiny baby girl was born just as we were heading back home. The next morning KP headed out to New York Shitty and IC headed off to the grandparents with the in town flat. AH! Rest and relaxation! Then this morning KP calls from NY to give me the heads up that Granny needs to come get something the IC needs for school. No problem, I’m up a bit early but now I have the chance to get the goods out on the front porch for Granny.This way I can create a “no muss, no fuss” hand off. I carefully hide the ashtray I had so boldly left out the night before and leave the booty on the porch. Done and done, as we say. Uh huh, a little bit later I am on the back porch drinking my coffee and smoking a cigarette when who should appear around the corner of the house? Granny! I helpfully offer that what she needs is ready on the front porch. “Oh? there was more? O.k. I’ll let you in. Oh? you have a key? Oh good”. Totally busted and ambushed I get on with my day. The rest is the usual except KP is roaming round the city and I think the cat might have a bladder infection. Onward!
LB, here. Everyday I go off to work,( everyday meaning four days a week) I go off to work so that I can put coffee in the KP’s cup and wine in the goblets, and pay my way like a good LB. I work in a retail enviornment. This is easier to handle than waiting tables. I had lost my patience with that and had become a menace. I have moved myself to the more easy going retail track where I barely manage to remain calm. It is a place where I am forced to share information with the general public. Mostly though, I talk to the other workers. To celebrate my job and the coffee and wine it affords me, I have put together a little list.
Things people do, I do not like them :
Standing on the other side of the counter while I ring up their purchase holding their credit card in anticipation. “I haven’t even rung up all your booze ya friggin lush, gimme a friggin minute will ya? The way you hold that card at me feels like abuse!”
Putting all their measly change on the counter instead of in my hand, so I have to pluck at it desperately with my fingernail-less hands,trying not to take so long the next person gets angry.
Walking up to me and blurting out a noun and nothing else. No other words. It is the most cold, bare-bones way of asking for help. In fact it isn’t asking at all, and I think they prefer not to think of it as help, either. Like this:
Jerk: Burgundy!
ME: I’m sorry?
Jerk: Burgundy!
Me: Burgundy?
Jerk: Burgundy!
Me: Oh! Are you looking for the Burgundy’s? (sickly sweet smile is crucial)
Jerk: Yes, can you tell me where the Burgundy’s are? (looking confused and ….guilty?!)
Trying to help me pack their purchase or, putting their hands on my part of the counter work space. I AM A HIGHLY TRAINED PROFESSIONAL!!! Please, just let me do my job.
Asking for my help, explaining that they know nothing, then disagreeing with everything I say.
That is enough for now…………
We just created our blog and LB is staring at the machine and tapping her fingers waiting for the traffic to start flooding Crazytown. She’s so naive. I love that.
